Fact: The new film The Life of David Gale is not based on a true story.

Mystery: Why the lame-ass title obviously designed to convince us otherwise?

This is not a joke. Koko the Gorilla wrote these songs about herself or were inspired by her. You can even buy it at Amazon. Hear clips here. Again, this is not a joke.

Per my wife: The Mozart setting on the baby mobile is most likely to make her more alert and playful, while the Bach setting is most likely to make her fall asleep.

I am warm hungry.

When you're unemployed...

You've rated 1005 movies.
Rate More!

Courtesy Netflix.

Why do they call it GQ magazine? It comes out monthly and most of the people I know who read it are female.

Spied at BevMo:

Cynar Artichoke Liqueur: Considered by some to be one of the world's greatest aphrodisiacs!

From my pal Brian at checkthegrid.com:

"We're close to completing our new version of CTG... I have the answer to your question comparing your average reviews against the field... out of 24 critics with at least 100 reviews, you come up 22nd in terms of average score with 4.7 out of 10. The average for all 11,000+ reviews is 5.4. Only Moviejuice (4.5) and Salon (4.4) are tougher graders than you! I would hardly count Moviejuice since his schtick is to shred everything. The easiest graders are the Nashville Tennessean (7.5!) and believe it or not, Roger Ebert (6.4)."

filmcritic.com: The 3rd toughest critics on earth!

Thank you PG&E, for the additional 5 hours of power outage. I especially like how you did that neat strobe effect where the power went on and off every second for awhile. That was really cool.

Best. Softcore. Ever! I'm really looking forward to "The Two Towers."

Bizarre telemarketing call I just got:

"Hi Chris, this is such-and-such from Exodus Film Company in Los Angeles!"
ME: "Hi." (I get calls from studios all the time... nothing strange so far)
"We're producing a family film based on the Paul Bunyan stories from the producer of Home Alone and we'd like to offer you the chance to review..."
(wait for it)
"...the prospectus to invest in the film!"
ME: "Haha haa ahhha ahhhahahahaha! Oh boy..."

Is this spam? If so, it's not very good spam. If it's a pitch, it's even worse.
---

Dear Editor: - finances
I propose a set of financial biographies
of professionals.
I served as an administrative assistant
in this regard, took notes on financial
decisions, and earned a doctorate in a
related field. Thank you < R.g
er
--

Little Zoe managed to smack me with her little flailing arms last night, gouging my eye with her little baby fingernails. This hurt like you wouldn't believe and now it's just sore, as my cornea is clearly scratched. That's 2 injuries now.

What, what, what is the point of THIS (from my phone bill):

Additions & Changes

Activity on 415 xxx-xxxx

Order 11477165
Monthly Service Charges
Added to Monthly Service from Dec 24, 2002 thru Jan 12, 2003

Partial
Description Qty Month One-Time Amount
覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
2-09 Federal Universal Service Fee 1 .25 .25
.42 Per Month

Removed from Monthly Service from Dec 24, 2002 thru Jan 12, 2003

Partial
Description Qty Month One-Time Amount
覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
2-10 Federal Universal Service Fee 1 .25- .25-
.42 Per Month

Order 66666666
Monthly Service Charges
Change in Monthly Rate from Dec 31, 2002 thru Jan 12, 2003

Partial
Description Qty Month One-Time Amount
覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
2-11 Rate Change 1 .00 .00
Federal Universal Service Fee
.01 Per Month

覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
Total for Monthly Service Charges .00

覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧
Total for 415 xxx-xxxx .00

Painful side effect of yesterday's power outage: My back is in massive pain thanks to sitting on the floor all evening to play board games by candlelight (won Monopoly handily, lost Operation due to impossible "writer's cramp" piece -- the irony). Damn you PG&E!

Today the power went out... for about 10 hours. Why does this happen only on days I'm staying at home all day... and the day after I go to the grocery store (laden with full-sodium bacon, thank you)? It was amazing how few homes were affected. Really just a few blocks, centered on our house. But the worst is how PG&E would taunt me -- turning the power on just long enough to blow out all the candles and reset all the clocks, only to snatch it back from my grasp and shut down again. Cursed at birth!

What recession?

Dear Jobseeker,

***Your editor search agent found 200 jobs:

Now if some of those were in San Francisco instead of Ithaca and Dobb's Ferry...

This is a public service announcement about bacon. They were out of regular Oscar Meyer bacon last week, so I bought the "Lower Sodium" version of the same product. Looked exactly the same and I figured it couldn't be much different, right? Well, not only does this bacon taste like ass (or rather, like nothing), when I cleaned the frying pan I used to cook it, it had developed rust-colored stains where the bacon strips were cooked! What the hell!? I may never buy another Oscar Meyer product again. Ugh.

Distressed that her father was now unemployed, the child turned to drink.

Severance day, baby! I bury my fourth magazine today. New Architect is no more. Okay, so what's next?

In keeping with my lack of having anything interesting to say and my recent hypochondria focus (last night I woke up choking, I swear to God), here's an interesting link. Yes, this is a real magazine.

Now that I have none of it, I've been cutting my own hair with some success. Until today. You see, I have to rely on my wife to make the straight line along the back of my head, as it's impossible to see, owing to the fact that my eyes are both in the front. This has been no problem for her. Until today. Today, she decided to take the clippers and turn them over and drag them up along the back of my head, shearing an enormous, crooked path in my skull. Needless to say, this has not resulted in decreasing my stress level, as the oral surgeon highly suggested.

I take no responsibility.

In other news, I stopped by the shopping center where my bank is this morning, and pulled into a parking spot alongside a rather haphazardly-parked white sedan. A morose gentleman was sitting inside, staring straight ahead. It was 8:58... I'd timed it to arrive by 9 when the bank opened. So as I squirmed my way between the two cars to leave the parking lot, I glanced at the guy's dashboard. Sitting there was a floppy hat with a logo that suddenly completed the picture: United States Postal Service. Rather than give the USPS two extra minutes of his time (the post office opens at 9 as well), he would prefer to sit silently in the car and do absolutely nothing.

Has email lost all sense of eloquence?

The five most recent non-spam subject lines in my inbox:
Re: guess what
Re: shit
Re: oh yeah
Re: lead for Wireless feature story
Re: Hey

And those subjects are all totally appropriate.

More top ten lists than you can shake a stick at!

So I had my 8th(?) and what will be final mouth-doctor visit today. For the umpteenth time in my life: There's nothing wrong with you. Go home. My mouth hurts, so he says, because my jaw is a little crooked and I bite my lip accidentally, and now there's scar tissue there. There's really nothing I can do about it aside from getting braces or breaking and resetting my jaw (uh huh). He also suggested they could do some crowns/veneers on half my teeth, which would be very very expensive and may or may not solve the problem. And cut down on stress. And maybe I should try acupuncture (seriously!).

And maybe I will, dammit!

Free money? Yeah, free money! This time, it's not some come-on. Er, well, sort of.

Link courtesy Jim Dedman.

How not to get a job (full text of an email I received today):

Subject: HR Dept

Gentlemen,

You are being contactedtoday proactively to announce my immediate availability. Generally seeking employment full time or contractual in management or sales management. Travel not a problem. Fluent in German.

Your consideration most appreciated.

Regards
van Eton

London, W14 0HD - United Kingdom
0044 207 603 5340

Certainly this is an issue that affects very few of you, but what happened to French cut green beans? And California Pizza's frozen potato and rosemary chicken (was it chicken? I can no longer remember...) pies? I really hate it when items are discontinued and I never hear about it. I just stare into the freezer case week after week, wondering if they're gone forever of it they're just out of stock.

How do I get to be part of the National Bureau of Economic Research? It sounds like a great gig: You get to say things probably happened but you're not sure when and you're not sure when you might know. Really useful. Do we pay for this?

In my quest for finding the end to mouth pain, I read that your teeth are never supposed to touch unless you're chewing food. This has led to an extreme amount of paranoia in keeping my teeth slightly apart at all times. Now that you've read this, you'll know what a real obsession is like.

In other news, my cousin sent me this link: I'm a famous Texan.

Hey, I'm the man of the year!

Christopher Null, for exemplary achievements in technology journalism and online cultural commentary.

I'd like to thank the Academy...

Half Mast was spotted at a used bookstore in Houston today. $3.98. If you're in the area, you won't find a better price! I'm a little flattered by the whole thing. Not by whomever sold the book, but that the bookstore would actually buy the thing! If you've ever tried to sell used novels, you know the bookstores never buy them. Suddenly I have a strange pang of longing for Austin. Huh. Happy New Year, y'all.

Buy my book, get a free DVD!