I'm only 11 minutes into Glitter on HBO, and already I see why it was generally pegged as the worst movie of 2001.

After starting at roughly the 2.27 millionth most popular sale on Amazon, Half Mast has cracked the top 100,000 after a month on sale. Today the book is at 98,051. My other book (now out of print, it goes for $5 used) is at 162,610. My brother's book is at 92,122. JungleScan turns authorship into an obsession.

Been having an e-mail exchange with the director of Fish in a Barrel, over my terse (and overwhelmingly negative) review of the film. I get a lot of letters from filmmakers unhappy with their coverage, but Kent's letter touched me enough that I offered him a chance to explain the convoluted plot on the site. We'll see if he takes me up on it. (Update: He opted out.)

filmcritic.com contributor Kevin Smokler has a fun analysis of the letter in question, which was circulated amongst the staff today to grand guffaws. Just in case you're curious what critics say "behind closed doors"...

Don't touch my stuff!

I'm amazed this page is updated on a daily basis. Offender #271, you got it goin' on!

My barbershop (and it's really a barbershop, none of this salon business) has a stack of adult magazines that borders on being a fire hazard. The bold tagline of FOXX caught my eye (it was sitting on top, I swear): "#1 in crazy-ass whores making spectacles of themselves!"

I like to think that this site is #2.

Now this is art.

Sight of the day: Wedged perpendicular to traffic on a city street, billowing white smoke, and completely hoodless: a silver Rolls Royce. It wasn't just in a wreck, either. Its owner was right there, feeding it coolant.

Today's TechTV appearance proves how badly I need a haircut. You can check it out here. Or you can check out the t-shirt we put up for bid on eBay here.

Another True Post Office Story. Little 3-years-old-or-so kid (wearing oversized horn-rimmed sunglasses) is wandering around the post office, collecting the various forms -- mail forwarding, customs declaration, Selective Service forms, etc. -- available at kid-height. Mom is getting a $1,100 money order at the counter, and the kid is starting to get loud. "Okay, that's enough!" she tells him, adding "And now I'm getting upset!" "It's NOT enough!" the kid cries. He starts literally crying, dropping his forms all over the place. Each time he picks one up, he drops one he's already gathered, sending him back to the ground again and again. "It's NOT enough, it's NOT enough, it's NOT enough!" Over and over, this is his complaint.

Hate to tell ya, kid, but soon enough you'll be swimming in so much junk mail that it'll really make you start to cry. It's enough, trust me.

We don't need no stinkin' Segways! To be honest, I'm in favor of outlawing bicycles, skateboards, Segways, and scooters on sidewalks. And if you're skateboarding in the street, you should be considered "fair game" for motor vehicles. (As if this wasn't already the case.) My goal is to run for SF mayor on this platform, along with a mandatory $1000 fine for double parking violations.

Spent the day in glorious Orange County. Unnoteworthy except for the tiny little plane I took to get there -- the only time I've ever had a seat that was both a window and an aisle simultaneously. Also amusing was the largish, middle-aged woman sitting across the aisle on the way back, reading Retire Young, Retire Rich.

Sight of the day: Crazy bicyclist pops a wheelie and drags his feet behind the bicycle while careening down a hill at about 30 mph, all on a (steep) SF city street. WTF!?

Since I'm in a list-making mood, I crafted this ridiculous Amazon "Listmania" missive.

Having been asked about my wishlists, I figured I'd post my real wishlist. Note that I've left off personal happiness, general fulfillment, and health issues here because either I already have them or they can't be bought or otherwise gained through personal exertion & talent. This is primarily a list of materialistic desires. If I manage to complete just a few of these before I die I'll be amazed. Presented in order from relatively least difficult to relatively most difficult to obtain.

10. Visit Tokyo and Italy (on different trips).
9. Drink a 1945 Petrus, a 1921 Chateau d'Yquem, a 1919 La Tache, and an 1847 vintage Port (not all at once).
8. Have a really big kitchen.*
7. Own a house on a cliff.**
6. Own an original work by Kandinsky, Van Gogh, Lichtenstein, or Warhol.
5. Have a full-time maid.
4. Have a book on the New York Times best seller list.
3. Appear (as a legitimate guest) on Letterman.
2. Be paid to endorse something.
1. Receive an Academy Award.

* Should be included with #7, but not necessarily.
** Our current house is sort of on a cliff. I envision a substantially bigger house, though, on a substantially bigger cliff.

This is killing me. I saw a movie on IFC (or similar avant-garde movie channel) a few years ago and I can't remember the name. It primarily involves two characters, a professional woman and a man who spends the night hidden out in her house. Over the course of the night, she goes on a crying jag and binges-and-purges on an enormous feast, including half of a chocolate cake. The next morning, she gets dressed and goes back to work again. Very creepy, and I remember enjoying the film. So, can anyone tell me what this movie is? If so, e-mail me. And I call myself a film critic. Also shameful...

Something we ate last night (the beef bourgignon?) made us very ill. Very upsetting to pay $15 for deli takeout and be affected in such a way. Shame!

The good news: I finally figured out the whole Gold Rush thing (see two posts down). Best score: 36,000. The bad news: Now the wife is addicted too.

Spied on an "adult theater" marquee: NOW SHOWING! MOVIE FILMED ON ALCATRAZ ISLAND! WOW! THAT IS GREAT!

Yahoo! Tornado 21 has become as addictive to me as Literati, Word Racer, and Yahoo Pool once were. I cannot for the life of me figure out how people score millions of points in a game (5 million is the record on the boards right now). My max is 1,398. This guy seems to have played a lot more than I have.

I can't stop singing "and, but, & or / they'll get you pretty far!"

Damn. This show would have been better than Big Brother.

Hey, tweed jacket dude! We understand your "beer appreciation society" is of paramount importance to humanity, but if you need to set up your club meeting on your cell phone, can you do it a) less loudly and b) not in the elevator? Some of us don't appreciate beer quite as much as you.

If she can't be a cheerleader, maybe she can star in that I Wish These Were Brains movie (see 8/19 post).

See, I really am three degrees from Kevin Bacon. Though I always calculate it through Playboy starlet Jennifer Miriam (also in Pressurecooker) instead of Sallie Guy.

Last year I won $60 in the office Survivor pool. I'm looking to repeat. If you're interested in joining the game this year ($10 buy-in), e-mail me. The season starts September 19. Here are the cattle.

Move over Citizen Kane. This might become the greatest film of our time.

I know the feeling.

It freaks me out when I'm listening to a CD and finish a song, then click over to the radio and they're playing the same song I was just listening to. Makes me worry that somehow the radio people are keeping tabs on me via a heretofore unknown technology. This was the song. Two fun facts: Porn star Ron Jeremy actually produced the video for this song, and a spoken Richard Pryor sample can barely be heard if you crank up the volume during the first few seconds of the tune.

My New Architect editorial critical of ICANN has been the subject of a dizzying few days of fun, irony, and hijinks. Fellow New Architect staffer Bret Fausett has the dirt.

Subscribe to LockerGnome's newsletters or face the wrath. Thanks for the plug, Chris!

Awesome review for Half Mast from 3am magazine.

My father is a longtime Houston Astros fanatic, but even he is showing signs of jadedness. I asked him what he thought of the impending strike. He said he didn't think it was such a bad thing, because he'd get a refund on his season tickets for all the games which got cancelled.

Nice. ZDNet USA is too lame to archive old articles, but ZDNet Japan is not. Dig my review of something or other from 1998.

Thanks Chris and Gretchen for getting us out of the house on a Thursday and into a lovely restaurant whose kitchen, completely coincidentally, is run by our neighbor.

On a lark I thought I'd update my Geek Code block. Here it is.

-----BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK-----
Version: 3.1
GL/B/IT d s++:-- a C++ U P L+ E--- W+++$ N+ o-- K? w+++ O---- M V+ PS+++@ PE@ Y++ PGP t 5 X+ R+++ tv++ b++$ DI++ D++ G e+++ h---(----) r+++ y+++(+++++)
------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------

Why is she so mean?

True post office exchange of the day.
Clerk: The total is $5.10.
I hand over a $20 bill.
Clerk looking confused: Do you have anything smaller? Like a five or a six?

Realization of the day: if our cable TV provider were to join them, we would have no utilities being serviced by a solvent company (joining phone, electric, and gas providers -- all bankrupt).

It is not a noodle.

My father does this for all his neighbors and he's happily stayed out of jail. Imagine the prison tats...

Sight of the day: One-legged woman trying to cross a busy downtown street, not at a crosswalk.

The nagging pain behind tooth #23 has taken me to the dentist three times already, every time with the same diagnosis: there is nothing wrong with you. Another "I don't see anything there" today. Now it's off to the periodontist (gum doctor) to see if he can figure it out. Grand.

Check out this unseen Lord of the Rings footage!

My birthday is coming up. I like Style K the best.

Graffito of the day: "don't upcharge on the chips asswipe."

In most men's room stalls, you'll usually find a newspaper (or at least a section of it) left by some kind soul for entertainment purposes in an otherwise morose locale. Today I discovered not a section of the Wall Street Journal, but instead a handful of pages printed out from WSJ.com. Is this sad? Maybe it wouldn't have been so depressing if all the stories weren't on politics. Print out the Lifestyle section next time, dude!

Ladies: If you're going to do the limbo in a short skirt, people are going to see up it. No lie.

What a waste. Think of how many butter-eating contests this could have funded.