In keeping with my lack of having anything interesting to say and my recent hypochondria focus (last night I woke up choking, I swear to God), here’s an interesting link. Yes, this is a real magazine.

Now that I have none of it, I’ve been cutting my own hair with some success. Until today. You see, I have to rely on my wife to make the straight line along the back of my head, as it’s impossible to see, owing to the fact that my eyes are both in the front. This has been no problem for her. Until today. Today, she decided to take the clippers and turn them over and drag them up along the back of my head, shearing an enormous, crooked path in my skull. Needless to say, this has not resulted in decreasing my stress level, as the oral surgeon highly suggested.

I take no responsibility.

In other news, I stopped by the shopping center where my bank is this morning, and pulled into a parking spot alongside a rather haphazardly-parked white sedan. A morose gentleman was sitting inside, staring straight ahead. It was 8:58… I’d timed it to arrive by 9 when the bank opened. So as I squirmed my way between the two cars to leave the parking lot, I glanced at the guy’s dashboard. Sitting there was a floppy hat with a logo that suddenly completed the picture: United States Postal Service. Rather than give the USPS two extra minutes of his time (the post office opens at 9 as well), he would prefer to sit silently in the car and do absolutely nothing.

Has email lost all sense of eloquence?

The five most recent non-spam subject lines in my inbox:

Re: guess what

Re: shit

Re: oh yeah

Re: lead for Wireless feature story

Re: Hey

And those subjects are all totally appropriate.

More top ten lists than you can shake a stick at!

So I had my 8th(?) and what will be final mouth-doctor visit today. For the umpteenth time in my life: There’s nothing wrong with you. Go home. My mouth hurts, so he says, because my jaw is a little crooked and I bite my lip accidentally, and now there’s scar tissue there. There’s really nothing I can do about it aside from getting braces or breaking and resetting my jaw (uh huh). He also suggested they could do some crowns/veneers on half my teeth, which would be very very expensive and may or may not solve the problem. And cut down on stress. And maybe I should try acupuncture (seriously!).

And maybe I will, dammit!

Free money? Yeah, free money! This time, it’s not some come-on. Er, well, sort of.

Link courtesy Jim Dedman.

How not to get a job (full text of an email I received today):

Subject: HR Dept

Gentlemen,

You are being contactedtoday proactively to announce my immediate availability. Generally seeking employment full time or contractual in management or sales management. Travel not a problem. Fluent in German.

Your consideration most appreciated.

Regards

van Eton

London, W14 0HD – United Kingdom

0044 207 603 5340

Certainly this is an issue that affects very few of you, but what happened to French cut green beans? And California Pizza’s frozen potato and rosemary chicken (was it chicken? I can no longer remember…) pies? I really hate it when items are discontinued and I never hear about it. I just stare into the freezer case week after week, wondering if they’re gone forever of it they’re just out of stock.

How do I get to be part of the National Bureau of Economic Research? It sounds like a great gig: You get to say things probably happened but you’re not sure when and you’re not sure when you might know. Really useful. Do we pay for this?

In my quest for finding the end to mouth pain, I read that your teeth are never supposed to touch unless you’re chewing food. This has led to an extreme amount of paranoia in keeping my teeth slightly apart at all times. Now that you’ve read this, you’ll know what a real obsession is like.

In other news, my cousin sent me this link: I’m a famous Texan.

Hey, I’m the man of the year!

Christopher Null, for exemplary achievements in technology journalism and online cultural commentary.

I’d like to thank the Academy…

Half Mast was spotted at a used bookstore in Houston today. $3.98. If you’re in the area, you won’t find a better price! I’m a little flattered by the whole thing. Not by whomever sold the book, but that the bookstore would actually buy the thing! If you’ve ever tried to sell used novels, you know the bookstores never buy them. Suddenly I have a strange pang of longing for Austin. Huh. Happy New Year, y’all.

Buy my book, get a free DVD!